By Larry Oscar
Now that Spring has nearly arrived, I can’t help but notice the abundance of weeds this year. For years I have marveled at how they just seem to pop up everywhere. Weeds can grow in just about anyplace. And to make it even more of a wonder, they seem to thrive in places that you couldn’t get any plant to grow if you wanted.
You can buy plants and place them where you think they will thrive and two weeks later you look to find them dead. Not so with weeds, they can appear in cracks in rocks and grow to magnificent specimens of horticultural bliss. Then it occurred to me. The ever present battle with weeds is probably our own fault. If we tried to get them to grow, they would probably refuse to and just die off. The problem here is not that weeds are not vulnerable. The problem is that they know we don’t like or want them, and they have adopted a stubborn rebellious attitude. They are stubbornly going to survive just to show us how much smarter they are and get their own way. They have grown independent and resourceful.
I think weeds take great pride in their accomplishments. They make us spend
billions of dollars in herbicides. They must be having a big laugh alright. Gathering around the nation’s yards and gardens at night talking about how they managed to survive and defying us at every turn must give them a great sense of accomplishment.
I say we use some reverse psychology here. What if we really made an effort to nurture and support them. Why not open up some weed stores. If weeds knew that we were trying to propagate them the problem could go away. They would soon learn to be dependant on us for everything they want and need in life. They would not develop the survival skills to make it on their own and compete for food and water. They would have to depend on us for everything. Weeds would not show up and grow on their own, but rather sit around in greenhouses waiting for us to feed and plant them. They would not have a clue that what we are doing is bad for them. They would swallow the whole thing like a fish rising to the bait.
We will have developed the world’s first “lazy weed.” If we could do this, we could eliminate them from the planet.
Creating a cycle of dependency here is just the strategy we need. Nothing works quite as well for destroying a sense of personal accomplishment and personal pride than a good cycle of dependency. It’s bound to work wonders on weeds. We could even justify the whole process emotionally by claiming we are just trying to help the poor homeless weeds make it in a cruel and unforgiving world. A world that is running rampant with total disregard and lack of respect for weeds. That would make us feel better about what we are really doing.
I would be in favor of setting up the ACLWU to make sure that weeds don’t get their rights trampled on. After all, weeds should have rights too. We spend more time and money on trying to grow privileged plants than we do weeds. There is obviously a wealth gap here.
Yes sir, you can learn a lot from weeds. Maybe weeds are put here for a much greater purpose than we realize. Maybe they serve as a reminder of how individuality and diversity makes all of life a marvel. When you drive by a field in the early spring and look out to see the morning sun shining on the bright yellow-green colors, you would never know that the field was just a bunch of weeds. Each weed growing to be the best weed it can be. Each weed taking pride in its own individual accomplishments, and eventually trying something new that leads to innovation and changes in the species.
Weeds…you just gotta love’em. I just wish some of my friends would quit smoking so many of them.